What a rough month it has been! My sweet baby girl will be returning to live with her bio mom this weekend. I feel like my heart has been ripped right out of my chest!!! I can not even begin to express the heartache I feel!!! This month has been extremely draining and there have been so many crazy, muddy twists and turns in Kara's case. Despite all of it, because of the way the law is written and interpretation of the law DCFS feels that their hands are tied and they have to return Kara to her bio mom. I'm worried sick! I've had multiple priesthood blessings and am constantly praying to know what the Lord wants me to do. Jake and I went to the temple last week and I was able to feel some peace and was taught some lessons by the spirit. One of those lessons was that our Heavenly Father probably has the same worries and concerns that I'm having each time he sends one of his sweet and pure spirits here to earth. Are these parents really going to treat this child the way they should? Are they going to provide for their spiritual, physical, and emotional needs? Another lesson the spirit taught me was that I have to trust God and submit my will to his. Just as Abraham completely submitted his will to the Lord as he offered his son Isaac to be sacrificed, I have to be willing to let Kara go and completely trust the Lord. It is so hard!!! I'm not sure why the Lord wanted us to do this.

 We were able to take Kara with us Friday through Saturday on one last trip to my parent's cabin in Lava. As we were driving home late Saturday night the kids had all fallen asleep and we drove past the Brigham temple on the freeway. Jake commented, "I wonder what people think when they see the temple who know nothing about it or the church?" My immediate response was, "A light on a hill." Then the spirit whispered to me and I said, "I wonder if that's what we're supposed to be for Kara's Mom and boyfriend? They've never really been shown any light in the world. They've been dealt a rough hand in life and have mostly been shown darkness. Maybe we're supposed to show them the light of Christ?"

 I don't know what the future will bring. And I certainly don't understand how I could fall so completely in love with an angelic baby girl, love her and treat her as my own, how she could fit so perfectly into our family, how she could become so attached to us, how it could feel like she was supposed to be with us, how she has learned to trust and love- just to have her yanked away and put into a home where her basic needs may not even be met. Where she may not be safe and protected. Where she will most likely learn not to trust people or to be trustworthy.  I don't understand!!!        But I do understand that our Heavenly Father is almighty God. That he loves all of his children, including Kara's parents, and he has a plan for all of us. I am only an instrument in his plan and I need to have Faith and trust him. I continue to pray for Faith. I pray for Peace. I pray for Kara. I pray that the Lord will watch over and protect her. I pray for my boys- this is so hard on them! I pray for Jake. I know this is hard on all our extended family, friends, and ward members-who have all grown to love Kara. How could they not? I pray for them too. And I pray for Kara's mom and boyfriend. I pray for her Dad who is in prison.

 This has been such an eye opening experience. 15 months ago I lived in a bubble. I didn't know or associate with anyone who did drugs or had a criminal background. I didn't know anyone in prison. I didn't personally know people who lived on the streets, who didn't have food to eat or clothes to wear. Now my eyes have been opened. I am more aware of the horrific circumstances and needs of so many. I realize how very blessed my life has been. I am so grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ. I hope to never take anything or anyone for granted. I hope to reach out more to others and help lift their burdens. I hope the Lord will heal my broken heart so that I may help others come to him and have their hearts healed as well. I hope Kara will remember how much her Father in Heaven loves her and that she will come to know him and feel his influence in her life.

Having a foster child in a lot of ways is like being told that you or your child is terminally ill. You have no idea how much time you will have with them. You are choosy about what stories to read, which songs to sing- you want them to be important. You really think about what you want to stick, the things you want them to remember, you hope and pray that it's enough. That the things you have said and done will be things that will impact them for good. That they will know how much you love them and more importantly, how much their Father in Heaven loves them.