So it's final. We had court today. The home trial placement started yesterday. Kara is officially now living with her bio mom. We met them in Smith and Edward's parking lot Sunday morning. We took the boys with us so we could all say our goodbyes. The sky was dark and overcast and just starting to drizzle. Fitting. Kara didn't want to go. She kept saying she didn't want to go to the visit. It sucks so bad to have to force her to go when she doesn't want to. I have to fight off my own emotion so hard every time I take her to a visit. I try so hard to make it as positive for Kara as I can. But I can't help it if she, on her own, is saying she doesn't want to go. And it just sucks that she has to go anyway. She has no idea that it's permanent now. My heart aches so much for her! The past fifteen months she has learned how to trust, how to love and be loved, she is happy, she is social...what's going to happen inside her beautiful little head when she realizes that she won't be coming home with me? That the people she has loved and claimed as her own-"Kara's mom, Kara's dad, Kara's brothers, Kara's home, Kara's Family" have abandoned her? That's exactly how it will feel to her. How is that going to affect her life and her ability to ever trust or love again? I worry that it will be detrimental to her. I honestly feel that the system has failed her. They are knowingly placing her back into a scary and unstable environment. And there's not a thing I can do to stop or change it!!! The drive home was somber as every one of us were crying. We went through the motions of a typical Sunday. Dalton gave the scripture story in sharing time, he's growing up to be such an awesome young man! He came up with it all on his own. He told about Joseph and his coat of many colors and how his brothers sold him into slavery. He read the scripture about how Joseph's brothers came in need of food and how Joseph gave them free food and supplies even after all the horrible things they did to him. He said that we should follow Joseph's example and treat others lovingly and in a Christlike manner no matter what. I am so grateful for my boys. I'm grateful for Jake. I'm grateful for my Savior. I have wonderful family and friends. We will get through this. I will always have an ache in my heart for Kara. I will always love her. I will always worry about her. Jake, the boys and I, we will all be ok. But I am so worried that Kara will not be ok. Church was super rough for me. I felt out of sorts. We all feel the void that is left without Kara here. I tried my hardest to keep it together. Every toddler I see reminds me of Kara. All her friends from nursery. It hurts so bad! My heart just aches for her! I miss her so much!
This morning was supposed to be the permanency hearing. DCFS changed it to a review. They asked for Kara to remain in state custody for the next 90 days although she will be living with her mom. The state will be stopping in to check up on her, they will also be sending therapists to work with Kara and her mom. They've told Jake and I that the best thing we can do to help Kara is to remain on good terms with her Mom. Which I would do anyway. It's such a hard spot to be in. I want to help Kara's Mom, I really do, but I also don't completely trust her. She's not always honest. About half of the things she says are untrue. I know her habitual lieing is a survival skill she has learned because of all the trauma she's experienced in her life and the horrific childhood she endured. It's just so hard because I am so protective of Kara and love her so much! I've been Kara's mom for the past fifteen months. She may not have been born to me, but I am her mom. She is as much my child as my boys are. Now I'm supposed to go to Kara's mom's three days a week and teach her how to be Kara's mom.
We arrived at the courthouse today the same time Kara and her mom and boyfriend did. As soon as Kara saw us she ran excitedly to us. She clung so tightly to me. I miss her so much! As we waited to go into the courtroom she mostly stayed by Jake and I. We went into the courtroom and she stayed by her mom for a few minutes, then she came and spent the rest of the time sitting on Jake's lap. When we left the courtroom the caseworker asked if she could speak with Jake and I for a few minutes. I asked Kara's mom if she was going to be home for a little bit so I could drop off more of Kara's things. She said that she wouldn't be home but I could give her the things now. I told her that the caseworker wanted to speak with Jake and I right then but I could bring the stuff over tomorrow. She insisted that she take the stuff right then so I asked the caseworker if she could wait for a minute and carried Kara with me to the car. Kara's dad's sister had also came to court and she walked out with us as well. I was going to be loading Kara's stuff into her Jeep. Kara's mom went to take Kara from me to load her into her carseat. When Kara realized that she wouldn't be leaving with me she became hysterical. Screaming and crying, "want my mommy!" As she clung to me with all her might. That's when I lost it. I held Kara tightly and just bawled. Kara's mom stood there not knowing what to do. I grabbed hold of her and had her join in a group hug. I didn't know what else to do. As hard as this is for me, I have to try my hardest to make this as easy on Kara as I can. If her mom is going to be taking care of her she needs to learn how to console her as well. Especially since I'm not going to be able to always be there. We were able to calm Kara down enough to get her into her car seat. But I could not get my own emotions under control. I kept apologizing to Kara's mom and aunt. Kara' mom said she totally understood, that she herself felt that same way when Kara was removed. I sobbed hysterically as I handed Kara's things to her aunt. She gave me a big hug and cried with me while I cried on her shoulder. I've gotten to be friends with Kara's aunt. She too has been dealt a rough hand in life. But she has been able to keep a fairly level head and has tried to be kind of the back bone of the family, despite struggling to make ends meet as a single mom. I really admire her perseverance. She seems to "get it" more than anyone else in her family and really wants to better her life and make a better life for her son. She and I have had quite a few heart to hearts. She has the same concerns for Kara that I do. We exchanged phone numbers and promised to remain in touch. She promised to help look out for Kara as well. The caseworker talked with Jake and I and as politely as she could basically told us that we are no longer the foster parents, which means we are no longer privy to any inside information relating to Kara's case. We can still have visits as long as Kara's mom allows us to. The caseworker asked us if we still wanted to be foster parents and take other placements. We told her no, that we are pretty disenchanted with DCFS at the moment. We got into this to help kids, but unfortunately DCFS's main objective is not about the kids. It's about protecting the parent's rights, pushing reunification, and basically disregarding the children's rights and what's best for them. Until something is done in the legislature and the laws are changed to protect the children's rights, the children will always be the one's that suffer. And the cycle will continue. It is so heartbreaking!

 What a rough month it has been! My sweet baby girl will be returning to live with her bio mom this weekend. I feel like my heart has been ripped right out of my chest!!! I can not even begin to express the heartache I feel!!! This month has been extremely draining and there have been so many crazy, muddy twists and turns in Kara's case. Despite all of it, because of the way the law is written and interpretation of the law DCFS feels that their hands are tied and they have to return Kara to her bio mom. I'm worried sick! I've had multiple priesthood blessings and am constantly praying to know what the Lord wants me to do. Jake and I went to the temple last week and I was able to feel some peace and was taught some lessons by the spirit. One of those lessons was that our Heavenly Father probably has the same worries and concerns that I'm having each time he sends one of his sweet and pure spirits here to earth. Are these parents really going to treat this child the way they should? Are they going to provide for their spiritual, physical, and emotional needs? Another lesson the spirit taught me was that I have to trust God and submit my will to his. Just as Abraham completely submitted his will to the Lord as he offered his son Isaac to be sacrificed, I have to be willing to let Kara go and completely trust the Lord. It is so hard!!! I'm not sure why the Lord wanted us to do this.

 We were able to take Kara with us Friday through Saturday on one last trip to my parent's cabin in Lava. As we were driving home late Saturday night the kids had all fallen asleep and we drove past the Brigham temple on the freeway. Jake commented, "I wonder what people think when they see the temple who know nothing about it or the church?" My immediate response was, "A light on a hill." Then the spirit whispered to me and I said, "I wonder if that's what we're supposed to be for Kara's Mom and boyfriend? They've never really been shown any light in the world. They've been dealt a rough hand in life and have mostly been shown darkness. Maybe we're supposed to show them the light of Christ?"

 I don't know what the future will bring. And I certainly don't understand how I could fall so completely in love with an angelic baby girl, love her and treat her as my own, how she could fit so perfectly into our family, how she could become so attached to us, how it could feel like she was supposed to be with us, how she has learned to trust and love- just to have her yanked away and put into a home where her basic needs may not even be met. Where she may not be safe and protected. Where she will most likely learn not to trust people or to be trustworthy.  I don't understand!!!        But I do understand that our Heavenly Father is almighty God. That he loves all of his children, including Kara's parents, and he has a plan for all of us. I am only an instrument in his plan and I need to have Faith and trust him. I continue to pray for Faith. I pray for Peace. I pray for Kara. I pray that the Lord will watch over and protect her. I pray for my boys- this is so hard on them! I pray for Jake. I know this is hard on all our extended family, friends, and ward members-who have all grown to love Kara. How could they not? I pray for them too. And I pray for Kara's mom and boyfriend. I pray for her Dad who is in prison.

 This has been such an eye opening experience. 15 months ago I lived in a bubble. I didn't know or associate with anyone who did drugs or had a criminal background. I didn't know anyone in prison. I didn't personally know people who lived on the streets, who didn't have food to eat or clothes to wear. Now my eyes have been opened. I am more aware of the horrific circumstances and needs of so many. I realize how very blessed my life has been. I am so grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ. I hope to never take anything or anyone for granted. I hope to reach out more to others and help lift their burdens. I hope the Lord will heal my broken heart so that I may help others come to him and have their hearts healed as well. I hope Kara will remember how much her Father in Heaven loves her and that she will come to know him and feel his influence in her life.

Having a foster child in a lot of ways is like being told that you or your child is terminally ill. You have no idea how much time you will have with them. You are choosy about what stories to read, which songs to sing- you want them to be important. You really think about what you want to stick, the things you want them to remember, you hope and pray that it's enough. That the things you have said and done will be things that will impact them for good. That they will know how much you love them and more importantly, how much their Father in Heaven loves them.

Grandma Dalton's Obituary

Glenda Dalton Obituary

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Glenda Peterson Dalton

September 1, 1920 - October 17, 2014
Resided in Ogden, UT

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OBITUARY

Glenda Alford Peterson Dalton
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Ogden – Glenda Alford Peterson Dalton , 94, passed away October 17, 2014. She was born September 1, 1920 in Ogden the daughter of James William and Anelda Mae Allen Alford. Glenda was in the first graduating class of the New Ogden High in 1938.

Glenda married Charles Lee Peterson on August 23, 1941 in Uintah, Utah, they were later sealed in the Logan LDS Temple; he preceded her in death in 1952. She later married Donald A. Dalton who preceded her in death in 1999.

As a member of the LDS Church she served in many presidencies as a secretary in Young Women's and Relief Society.

After retiring from Defense Depot Ogden she continued her association with many friends she had made there. She belonged to Women of NARFE. Glenda bowled on mixed bowling teams and enjoyed spending winter months in Mesa AZ. Spending time with her family was always a priority.

She is survived by her children, Brent (Linda) Peterson, LeAnne Peterson (Craig) Anderson, Jeff D. (Pam) Dalton; 12 grandchildren; 32 great-grandchildren and siblings, Kenneth J. (Delores) Alford, Robert L. Alford and Geri (Gary) Patchett. She was preceded in death by her parents; her husbands; two children, a brother and a nephew.

Funeral services will be held at 11 a.m. on Saturday, October 25, 2014 at Myers Ogden Mortuary, 845 Washington Blvd. A viewing will be held on Friday, October 24th from 6 to 8 p.m. and Saturday prior to the service from 9:45 to 10:45 a.m. Interment, Washington Heights Memorial Park.

Glenda lived at the Beehive Home in Layton for 12 years. Special thanks for the kindness shown to her there and thanks to Brighton Hospice for making her comfortable and taking special care of the family.

- See more at: http://www.myers-mortuary.com/obituary/Glenda-Peterson-Dalton/Ogden-UT/1444027#sthash.CYAKsjYL.dpuf

The Truth About Foster Care

    It is sooo hard! I know that we are supposed to do this for a reason. Kara has become part of our family and I can't imagine life without her. That's the hardest part. There is a very likely possibility that she won't be part of our family permanently. It tears me apart! I just feel like my heart keeps getting ripped in two over and over again! One week they're telling us it looks like we'll be able to adopt her, the next week they're saying her mom will most likely get her back. It's killing me! I don't know what to think or feel anymore. I've felt all along that we were suppose to do this for Kara, and I still feel that way; but I also wonder if we're suppose to be doing this to help her mom too. I've been trying to help her mom. We've became friends and she knows if she needs anything I'll do my best to help her. It's just so complicated. I don't want her mom to completely rely on me for everything and expect me to always give her things. She needs to learn how to be self sufficient as well. It's such a fine line.
    We were supposed to have the permanency hearing on Sept. 9th. The exact one year date from when we first got Kara. We had been mailed a copy of the court report which stated that DCFS was asking for no more reunification and to set a date for a pretrial to terminate bio parents parental rights. Basically the first step on the road for us to begin the adoption process. We got a phone call on the night of the 8th, just hours before the permanency hearing, telling us that they were going to be asking for a 3 month extension. We are devastated! We had been fasting and praying that things would work out best for Kara. Our family and even our whole ward fasted the Sunday before for Kara. Apparently the State Attorney for DCFS was looking over all the court reports from the past year and she got nervous that we didn't have enough to terminate. Even though Kara's mom has only done about 50% of what's been asked of her, apparently in a situation like this 50% might be enough to regain custody of her child. It honestly sickens me. I just feel like if she really loved her and really wanted her back she would have been trying harder and doing everything that was asked of her. I worry that if Kara goes back to her she'll end up right back in the system a few months later, and who knows what sort of neglect and abuse she may suffer before that happens. I want so badly to protect her and keep her safe and I worry that the state won't allow me to do that and that they will end up knowingly placing her in harms way. We go back to court again in a month and then the next permanency hearing is scheduled for Dec.1st so we will be going through this all over again then:( We wanted to do foster care to help the children, and I know that we have helped Kara, but it really concerns me to see the inner workings of our government. It's honestly set up to protect the parent's rights over the children's. I just can't help think that our government and we as a society should be doing better than this.

Ogden Temple Open House

Jake's mom got the whole family tickets to the Ogden Temple open house. It was absolutely beautiful! I am so excited to finally have a close to home temple to go to again!

Photo Book

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Gunnar's Crash

Well, it has not been a very lucky month for us. I sprained my ankle pretty good about a week and a half ago. So I've been hobbling around. Monday morning (June 30th) I told the boys that they could ride the dirt bike after they unloaded the camper. Gunnar and his friend Stran were out taking turns riding the dirtbike. I was sort of watching from the kitchen window while I was getting some things done. The next thing I know Gunnar comes into the house crying hysterically. I asked him what happened and he said he didn't know-he couldn't remember. I found Stran and asked him to tell me what happened. He said Gunnar went off a jump and got a lot of air and when he landed the bike went all wobbly and then he crashed behind some weeds. When Stran got to him he was laying there with his eyes shut, his helmet had flown off and then he started blinking his eyes when Stran got to him.That made me really worried. I took him to the clinic and they told me to take him to the ER. We spent almost all day at the ER. He has a bad broken collar bone but they don't think he needs surgery. He sees an orthopedic specialist next week. He has to wear a sling pretty much the whole rest of the summer.

Lunch date with my favorite kids!

We bought the summer movie passes again this year and are trying to go once a week:) this week the movie was Epic which was the first movie we rented after we got Kara and she snuggled on the couch with me:) Jake and I later talked about how well she fit in our family. Kara loved this movie in the theater just as much as she loved watching it at home! Afterwards we went to pizza pie cafe and had lunch:)

Gunnar's bobcat award

Gunnar earned his bobcat and was presented it at last night's pack meeting. So proud of my cute little cub scout!

Being the Foster Mom

No matter how much I love her and all I do for her, she's still her biological mom. No matter what she has put her through, how many times she messes up, how unfit of a mother she is- she's still her mom. I'm just the foster mom. It breaks my heart right in two! This whole process is so one sided! All the state cares about is trying to "fix" her mom so they can send her back to her. Even if that's not what's best for Kara...
Sometimes I'm really good at blocking out pain. Physical, emotional, mental I can sometimes sort of take my self out of it and block it. Not this. I FEEL. SO. MUCH. PAIN

The Boys' Surprise

Jake sold the boys' little 4 wheeler and has been searching KSL ever since for a little dirt bike. Well guess what he finally found? To say that the boys are excited would be an understatement! Dalton, Gunnar and I were at scouts when Jake went to pick it up. When we got home Gunnar noticed it on the back patio right away! He went crazy! He was squealing and giggling and jumping up and down! Gunnar has a bit of an obsession with dirt bikes and he is a really good little rider! Every day when he gets home he hurries and does his chores and homework, then he spends hours riding this thing around in the field. Dalton likes riding it too, but he's so busy right now with soccer, piano, his astronomy class at school and homework that he doesn't have near the time to ride that Gunnar does. Plus Dalton's not quite as obsessed. We have had an entourage of friends coming over every day wanting a turn on it. I've told them the rule is that it has to be ok with their parents and they have to wear a helmet. Gunnar is a great riding coach! Ridge so far hasn't shown too much interest in it. He loves to ride with Jake on the big motorcycle!

Gunnar

Dalton

Kara is pretty cute in a bike helmet!

Easter

We had a wonderful Easter weekend! We started off Saturday morning at the park at the annual Plain City easter egg hunt. Then we got some yardwork and projects done around the house. Kara and I went to a baby shower, and Saturday night Jake and I went to a fun Elder's Quorum party.
Sunday morning the Easter bunny came and we had fun watching the kids try to find all the hidden eggs and candy. Then we had a yummy breakfast, got ready for church, had a wonderful day at church, and a relaxing afternoon at home. Jake made us Fijian food for our Easter dinner. I wish I could say I loved it as much as he did! I'm sure if I had eaten it every day for 2 years I would have an acquired taste for it! It was so nice of Jake to make it for us! Later that night we dropped by both our parent's houses to drop them off an Easter treat. Then we came home and put the kids to bed. I am so grateful for our Savior- for his life, his example, and most of all the atonement. That through him I can return to live with him and our Heavenly Father again, and I can have my family forever! What a wonderful blessing! I love my Savior and am so grateful for his influence in my life!

Kara and Annie at the Plain City Easter egg hunt. Kara didn't really care much about finding a lot of candy, all she cared about was eating her candy!

Kara, Bentley and Annie. These girls are all the same age, they're birthdays just weeks apart. They have so much fun together!

                                   

Baby Jesse, Kara, Bentley and Annie

Kara and Bentley trying to decide who gets to climb up the ladder first!

The cute little girls behind Kara are in Ridge's old preschool class and they just absolutely adore Kara! 

Dalton, Gunnar, Kara, and Ridge with their candy after the Plain City egg hunt

Easter morning- looks like the Easter bunny came!

Kara again didn't care about finding any eggs- she just wanted to eat candy!

Kara and her "cheese" smile!

Ridge finding lots of eggs!

Gunnar's basket is so heavy he can hardly lift it!

 Dalton posing nicely for the camera!

Easter Sunday best:)

4th grade environmental center fieldtrip

Dalton's class got to go to the environmental center the first part on March. Joyce watched Ridge and Kara so I could go with. We got to go snow shoeing, sledding, played ping pong, climbed the rock wall, but our favorite part was the cross country skiing! Even though Dalton thought he was racing in the Olympics and it was all I could do to keep up with him;) Afterwards Jen Kennedy and her son Brendyn rode home with us since I had driven up separate because I had came straight from a meeting at early intervention for Ridge.

What we've been up to lately...

      I can't believe how busy it's been lately! Life just seems to be flying by faster and faster every day! Dalton and Gunnar have been playing on basketball teams the past two months. We've had games every Monday and Saturday and practices on Thursdays. It has been so fun to watch them just keep getting better! I love watching them play! We have a little break now before baseball starts! We have scouts every Tuesday, I'm still one of the Bear Den leaders, Dalton goes to Webelos now and most Tuesdays Gunnar comes to Bears with me. Gunnar will be joining the wolf den next week when he turns eight! Ridge is going to Amber Dunn's preschool and is also doing Upstart, an online preschool. He is already reading three letter words! He's super smart, but is still struggling behaviorally and socially so we're still trying to decide whether or not to send him to Kindergarten this year or wait until next year. Jake and I have been stressing out about it. Ridge had an assessment done at Early Intervention the first of this week, which came back inconclusive so they want a questionnaire completed by his preschool teacher and they also want their psychologist to go over his file. Kara is doing great! She's talking up a storm and has fit in perfectly with our family! The boys absolutely adore her, and she adores them! I'm still taking her to visits with her parents twice a week. I have to have her to Brigham on Weds. mornings at 7, and now Friday afternoons from 11:30-1:30. Sometimes her parents don't show up to the visits, which is pretty frustrating- especially the 7am visit! We had a team meeting last week with us, her parents, the Guardian ad litem (Kara's voice in court), the social workers, therapists, and caseworker. Basically what the team meetings do is keep everyone involved in the case updated on the parents' progress or lack of. We go to court again the end of next month. We go to court every three months, we went in October and January. When we went in January the Judge told her parents if they didn't get it together by the next court date he would move to terminate their rights. We'll see what happens next month. It's such an emotional roller coaster! We are so attached to Kara and would love to adopt her! The hardest part is not knowing and not having any control over the outcome!
      Jake finally finished our kitchen pantry! I'm so excited! He got all the shelves up and the ceiling and floor finished. I got the whole little room painted. All I have left to do is to nail on the baseboards and paint them, and put one more coat of paint on the shelves! Just trying to find a day to get that done! I help in the boys' classrooms at school every Monday and try to go on most of their field-trips. I still teach about once a week at the church workout group and I've also been going with my friend, McCall, to a gym at 5 in the morning. It's what keeps me sane! Jake switched roles at work about two months ago, he is now the Accounts Manager, which means that he's the liaison between Teva and all their partner/merger companies. He really enjoys it. He's also keeping busy as the Ward Mission leader, a calling that he surprisingly really enjoys. We've taken the boys skiing a few times this winter. We even took Ridge for the first time a few weeks ago! Now the weather is starting to warm up and it's been so nice to get outside and start cleaning up the yard and getting the garden ready to plant.

Funny Ridge

Ridge cleaned his room all by himself the other day. I have been telling him how proud I am of him and what a great job he did. Today I went to help him get out his church clothes and when I opened his closet it was a disaster! He had cleaned his room by stuffing everything into his closet! I said, "Ridge, that's not how you clean your room." He quickly replied, "but Mom, that was my only option!"