So it's final. We had court today. The home trial placement started yesterday. Kara is officially now living with her bio mom. We met them in Smith and Edward's parking lot Sunday morning. We took the boys with us so we could all say our goodbyes. The sky was dark and overcast and just starting to drizzle. Fitting. Kara didn't want to go. She kept saying she didn't want to go to the visit. It sucks so bad to have to force her to go when she doesn't want to. I have to fight off my own emotion so hard every time I take her to a visit. I try so hard to make it as positive for Kara as I can. But I can't help it if she, on her own, is saying she doesn't want to go. And it just sucks that she has to go anyway. She has no idea that it's permanent now. My heart aches so much for her! The past fifteen months she has learned how to trust, how to love and be loved, she is happy, she is social...what's going to happen inside her beautiful little head when she realizes that she won't be coming home with me? That the people she has loved and claimed as her own-"Kara's mom, Kara's dad, Kara's brothers, Kara's home, Kara's Family" have abandoned her? That's exactly how it will feel to her. How is that going to affect her life and her ability to ever trust or love again? I worry that it will be detrimental to her. I honestly feel that the system has failed her. They are knowingly placing her back into a scary and unstable environment. And there's not a thing I can do to stop or change it!!! The drive home was somber as every one of us were crying. We went through the motions of a typical Sunday. Dalton gave the scripture story in sharing time, he's growing up to be such an awesome young man! He came up with it all on his own. He told about Joseph and his coat of many colors and how his brothers sold him into slavery. He read the scripture about how Joseph's brothers came in need of food and how Joseph gave them free food and supplies even after all the horrible things they did to him. He said that we should follow Joseph's example and treat others lovingly and in a Christlike manner no matter what. I am so grateful for my boys. I'm grateful for Jake. I'm grateful for my Savior. I have wonderful family and friends. We will get through this. I will always have an ache in my heart for Kara. I will always love her. I will always worry about her. Jake, the boys and I, we will all be ok. But I am so worried that Kara will not be ok. Church was super rough for me. I felt out of sorts. We all feel the void that is left without Kara here. I tried my hardest to keep it together. Every toddler I see reminds me of Kara. All her friends from nursery. It hurts so bad! My heart just aches for her! I miss her so much!
This morning was supposed to be the permanency hearing. DCFS changed it to a review. They asked for Kara to remain in state custody for the next 90 days although she will be living with her mom. The state will be stopping in to check up on her, they will also be sending therapists to work with Kara and her mom. They've told Jake and I that the best thing we can do to help Kara is to remain on good terms with her Mom. Which I would do anyway. It's such a hard spot to be in. I want to help Kara's Mom, I really do, but I also don't completely trust her. She's not always honest. About half of the things she says are untrue. I know her habitual lieing is a survival skill she has learned because of all the trauma she's experienced in her life and the horrific childhood she endured. It's just so hard because I am so protective of Kara and love her so much! I've been Kara's mom for the past fifteen months. She may not have been born to me, but I am her mom. She is as much my child as my boys are. Now I'm supposed to go to Kara's mom's three days a week and teach her how to be Kara's mom.
We arrived at the courthouse today the same time Kara and her mom and boyfriend did. As soon as Kara saw us she ran excitedly to us. She clung so tightly to me. I miss her so much! As we waited to go into the courtroom she mostly stayed by Jake and I. We went into the courtroom and she stayed by her mom for a few minutes, then she came and spent the rest of the time sitting on Jake's lap. When we left the courtroom the caseworker asked if she could speak with Jake and I for a few minutes. I asked Kara's mom if she was going to be home for a little bit so I could drop off more of Kara's things. She said that she wouldn't be home but I could give her the things now. I told her that the caseworker wanted to speak with Jake and I right then but I could bring the stuff over tomorrow. She insisted that she take the stuff right then so I asked the caseworker if she could wait for a minute and carried Kara with me to the car. Kara's dad's sister had also came to court and she walked out with us as well. I was going to be loading Kara's stuff into her Jeep. Kara's mom went to take Kara from me to load her into her carseat. When Kara realized that she wouldn't be leaving with me she became hysterical. Screaming and crying, "want my mommy!" As she clung to me with all her might. That's when I lost it. I held Kara tightly and just bawled. Kara's mom stood there not knowing what to do. I grabbed hold of her and had her join in a group hug. I didn't know what else to do. As hard as this is for me, I have to try my hardest to make this as easy on Kara as I can. If her mom is going to be taking care of her she needs to learn how to console her as well. Especially since I'm not going to be able to always be there. We were able to calm Kara down enough to get her into her car seat. But I could not get my own emotions under control. I kept apologizing to Kara's mom and aunt. Kara' mom said she totally understood, that she herself felt that same way when Kara was removed. I sobbed hysterically as I handed Kara's things to her aunt. She gave me a big hug and cried with me while I cried on her shoulder. I've gotten to be friends with Kara's aunt. She too has been dealt a rough hand in life. But she has been able to keep a fairly level head and has tried to be kind of the back bone of the family, despite struggling to make ends meet as a single mom. I really admire her perseverance. She seems to "get it" more than anyone else in her family and really wants to better her life and make a better life for her son. She and I have had quite a few heart to hearts. She has the same concerns for Kara that I do. We exchanged phone numbers and promised to remain in touch. She promised to help look out for Kara as well. The caseworker talked with Jake and I and as politely as she could basically told us that we are no longer the foster parents, which means we are no longer privy to any inside information relating to Kara's case. We can still have visits as long as Kara's mom allows us to. The caseworker asked us if we still wanted to be foster parents and take other placements. We told her no, that we are pretty disenchanted with DCFS at the moment. We got into this to help kids, but unfortunately DCFS's main objective is not about the kids. It's about protecting the parent's rights, pushing reunification, and basically disregarding the children's rights and what's best for them. Until something is done in the legislature and the laws are changed to protect the children's rights, the children will always be the one's that suffer. And the cycle will continue. It is so heartbreaking!