Wednesday, January 21, 2015

It's Not About You

What a whirlwind the past few months have been! Since Kara went back to her bio mom the end of November I have been going to their house and visiting several times a week. It's been one of the toughest things I've ever done in my life. At the beginning of December I was still feeling very heart broken and muddling through a haze of depression and anxiety. I was worried sick about Kara, feeling so sad for her, and also feeling sorry for Jake, the boys and myself. Every time I go visit Kara it is so heartbreaking because she asks me if she can go home with me. "Mom, can I go home? When are we going home?" And then I have to leave her there screaming hysterically for me. I've tried my hardest to ward off my own emotions to try to make it less difficult for Kara and for her Mom. I can usually keep it together until I get to my car. One day I was driving home sobbing, feeling so heartbroken, thinking to myself- why? We felt so strongly that Heavenly Father wanted us to do foster care, we felt like we were meant to have Kara in our home, Why did she have to go back? I had a moment of  self pity, I was hurting! I was heartbroken! Why did this happen to me! My mind turned to prayer and I felt the most humbling impression come to my mind. It's not about you. Be still and know that I am God. I immediately stopped my pity party, my fears and doubts melted away. I knew that I needed to trust God. He has a plan, he knows what he's doing. This experience has changed how I am now going about this whole situation. I have allowed the Savior's atonement to carry me through. It's more than I can carry alone. I am putting my faith and trust in Heavenly Father. My prayers have changed. Instead of begging and pleading for Kara to stay with us like I did in the months before the home trial placement, I am now praying to know what the Lord wants me to do. I'm praying to align myself with his will and to be an instrument in his hands. As I've allowed myself to be led by faith, I've felt His promptings and peace come. I've been able to see others more the way Christ sees them. I've been able to reach out and love those who are burdened with broken hearts and spirits due to their life circumstances. I've been able to feel genuine love and concern for Kara's mom, boyfriend and extended family and friends. I've witnessed first hand the struggles and afflictions of others, that I never would have known before doing foster care, and have felt genuine love and compassion for them. I've tried to be Christlike. Through all of this I've felt the spirit teaching me and guiding me along the way. I'm able to feel at peace and have a deep understanding that all will be well. I have a deeper appreciation for the atonement of Christ. I have a renewed appreciation and love for the gospel and it's teachings. I know that following Christ's teachings is the one sure way to find peace and happiness. I have a greater appreciation for the gift and power of prayer. I have felt the prayers of many on mine and my family's behalf. I appreciate the blessing of the temple and the peace I feel there. I have grown to love and cherish the scriptures and find peace in the teachings found within. I have a greater appreciation of family home evening and know that it is divine counsel from our Heavenly Father to help strengthen families. I am grateful for priesthood blessings, they have saved me from multiple panic attacks! I am so grateful for Jake. He is a wonderful husband and father, he has such a strong testimony. He has helped carry me through this trial and helped lift me up when I was at my weakest. I am so grateful for my boys and appreciate them so much more. I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that Heavenly Father is in charge. He has a plan and I am at peace following his plan wherever it may lead me.